Making and editing films is one of my passions, so I jumped on the opportunity to replace a kiosk PowerPoint presentation of inspirational messages (over still pictures) with this.
It was also a great excuse to try out Apple’s Motion. Of course, the experience told me that I needed a new iMac.
LYRICS:
She’s a girl with twinkle eyes
And wears a smile like summertime
He’s a man, guitar in hand,
Who sings deep and it sounds so fine
She laces up her shoes and turns around
And begins to walk away
He picks up his guitar and tunes it up and
Begins to play
Oh sweet girl
Put away your shoes and
Listen to some music
What you got to lose, yeah
Oh sweet girl
There’s nothing’ here to do but
Slide into a groove and
Put away your shoes.
She hears the sound and turns around
And smiles down upon her feet
Her toe has started tappin
And her fingers, they are snappin’
At the beat
She puts her scarf up on the hearth
And takes a step Into the room
He smiles and keeps on strummin’
He sings and she starts hummin’
This tune
I created a short film about and starring puppets, as a gift for Valentine’s Day. It’s awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjzNtS2goZ8
The holiday of Easter is confusing to some, with it’s combination of the resurrection story and chocolate eggs and bunnies. These things seem to be completely separate. Or ARE they…
You see, there was a period of Jesus’ life… or is it Jesus’s life… or let’s just call it J’s life… or maybe we’ll spell that out as Jay’s life… it’s a good nickname… anyway, there’s this whole swath of time about his life that most people don’t know about it. And the reason why people don’t know about it is because it was embarrassing to the church. Yes, I’m talking about Jay’s early work as a stand-up comedian.
One of the reasons Jay was so comfortable talking to a crowd on a hill in Galilee is that he’d spent years working the clubs of Nazareth in his late twenties.
He’d walk in and say, “How art thou people doing tonight? A man walked into a drinking establishment, and on his head sat a duck. The owner of the establishment sayeth, ‘Lo, may I help thee?’ The duck replieth, ‘Yea, will you remove this man from my underside?’”
While that joke may seem reasonably successful, most of Jay’s comedy was not (and many historians attribute the previous joke to his brother Jude). He was more punster and prankster, often performing an act where he smashed eggs with a large carpentry hammer.
He would start his egg-smashing routine like this: “Gentlemen and other men, I came not tonight to make you say, ‘Lo, there goes Jesus, the son of Joseph, who maketh me laugh.’ I came here to sell to Caesar what is Caesar’s. My father, who art in heaven, has created the tool of tools, know you not how it works? One need only take an ordinary egg, and place the egg between the patented pans. Then, one must reach for this tool that sliceth not, that diceth not, that chops not in a hopper. I refer of course, to the Christ-O-Matic!” Jay would then smash the pans and egg the audience.
However, audiences did not respond well to this routine, and in the Nazarethian clubs, it became a running joke that someone would hide Jay’s eggs from him before the performance. Finding himself on stage with no act, but knowing he had to fill his timeslot, Jay began to talk to them about the incorrectness of their behavior, saying, “Three men threw their eggs upon the ground. One fell upon fertile soil, and was eaten by rodents. One fell among thorns, which hatched a chicken that could not escape the vines. The third fell upon a volcanic rock, and so produced a delicious fried egg.” He added: “Not that I would eat it. I’m just saying… it looks delicious.”
All of this story and more of that time (including Jay’s love of bunnies) was chronicled in a book called “The Hilarious Gospel of Jesus.” The early church found it much too problematic, and locked the book away, but the association of Jesus with eggs (and bunnies) never went away.
Eventually, it was decided that wrapping chocolate eggs to celebrate the holiday was preferable to natural eggs, since that often led to salmonella poisoning.
THE END
Many people believe that the origins of Valentine’s Day are a little hazy. There were several martyrs named Valentine, who were later declared to be saints. But the real story of Valentine’s Day has a different origin. An alien origin.
It all started in the days of the reign of the Evil Lord Xenu. Xenu was busy incarcerating other alien species, which he eventually planed to send to earth on ships that looked like DC-8s (except with rocket engines).
Xenu had many times tried to capture an alien called Gryfflx, thought to be the only surviving member of the two-hearted alien race, the Chocplaxians. Gryfflx deceived Xenu by removing one of his hearts and having it delivered to Xenu.
“Wa ha ha ha!” Xenu laughed. “Finally the Chocplaxians are no more!”
Gryfflx was no longer being pursued, but he was not well with only one heart. He flew and flew in his Chocplaxian cruiser, trying to find an organ cloning facility that would grant him a new second heart, but he found none.
He landed on the ice system of Hoth. While checking for Xenu’s probe droids, he came across a wounded girl, and he was astonished to see that she was Chocplaxian.
“Lady!” he said. “It is I, a fellow Chocplaxian! Can I assist you?”
“I have been injured by a snow beast,” said the girl. “He irreparably damaged my first heart before I was able to fight him off with my light sword.”
“How ironic!” said Gryfflx. “I have removed my second heart, and only my first heart remains.”
The girl looked at Gryfflx and spoke in Chocplaxian: Grex morph habble dabble valentinex? (“Will you be my heart sharer?”)
So the two Chocplaxians merged, first by secreting a substance that is not that unlike what we would call Chocolate, which bonded them in particularly unappealing fashion (by human standards). And they shared each other’s hearts forever and ever.
…Until Lord Xenu found them and killed both of them.
THE END
Mary, a virgin, was living in Galilee of Nazareth and was engaged to be married to Joseph, a Jewish carpenter. While Mary was still engaged to Joseph, she miraculously became pregnant, and eventually told Joseph. Joseph reminded her that under Jewish law, he not only had the right to divorce Mary, but that she could be put to death by stoning. “Um,” said Mary, “in that case, this child is the son of God. An angel told me.”
Joseph relaxed a bit, slightly loosening the grip on the rock in his hand. He asked his 14-year-old wife if she were indeed still a virgin, and Mary very quickly said yes.
A miracle had happened. Mary had conceived a son by the power of the Holy Spirit. She would carry and give birth to this child and she would name him Jesus. It was a fine name and coincidentally happened to be the name of the boy who delivered goat’s milk every Tuesday.
At that time, Caesar Augustus decreed that a census be taken, and every person in the entire Roman world had to go to his own town to register. Every fucking person. I mean, do you know how big the Roman empire was back then? Jesus Christ.
So Joseph, being of the line of David, was required to go to Bethlehem to register with Mary. There was no room at the inn so Mary gave birth to Jesus in a stable. Much like Barack Obama.
After Jesus’ birth, Sarumon was king of Judea. At this time, wise men from the east saw a star, and they came in search, knowing the star signified the birth of the king of the Jews. The wise men came to the Jewish rulers in Jerusalem and asked where the Christ was to be born. The rulers explained, “In Bethlehem in Judea,” referring to the words of Micah the prophet. Sarumon met with one of the wise men, named Gandalf the Grey. Sarumon told Gandalf that he too wanted to go and worship the babe. But secretly Sarumon was plotting to rule Bethlehem.
So the wise men continued to follow the star in search of the new born king and found Jesus with his mother in Bethlehem. They bowed and worshipped him, offering treasures of gold, incense and myrrh. One of the wise men, a man named Obi Wan Kenobi, knelt in front of Jesus, and offered him a small metal object, shaped almost like a candle stick.
“What is it?” asked the baby Jesus.
“It’s your father’s light saber,” said the wise man.
When Jesus turned to Joseph, Obi Wan explained that it wasn’t him but another, a man named Anakin. Anakin Christ. (Upon hearing this, Joseph casually picked up a rock.)
When the wise men left, Jesus left with them, to go to the village of Mos Eisley, and preach the good news.
Obi Wan was the first of Jesus’ disciples, and as they moved through the villages, Jesus called more disciples to him. First came a merchant named Han Solo, who Jesus called Peter. And Chewbacca, the brother of Peter, whom no one really called Peter. Next came R2-D2, C3PO, Judas Iscariot, James son of Zebedee, and Billy Dee Williams. Also Admiral Ackbar, whom Jesus called a “fisher of men.” Mostly because Admiral Ackbar was a fish who ate men.
One day, Jesus said, “Today I must meet my father in heaven.” And Jesus began to walk there. Totally just started walking to heaven and shit.
Obi Wan Kenobi, however, did not like the looks of heaven. “That’s not heaven,” he said. “That’s a space station.”
“It’s too big to be a space station,” said Han Solo, whom nobody called Peter. “It must be heaven.”
“Turn Jesus around,” said Obi Wan.
“You know I think you may be right,” said Han Solo, but it was too late. The dark side of the Holy Spirit had trapped them.
Suddenly, what was indeed not heaven shot out and blew up Judas Iscariot. Some weird joweled alien friend of Billy Dee gasped, and Billy Dee exclaimed, “That shot came from non-heaven. That thing’s operational!” He pressed his comlink. “Home One, this is Gold Leader.”
In the Rebel Star Cruiser, Admiral Ackbar, the fisher of men, stood amid the confusion on the bridge. He spoke into the comlink. “We saw it. All craft prepare to retreat!”
“You won’t get another chance at this, Admiral,” said Billy Dee Williams, the one Jesus loved.
“We have no choice, General. Our cruisers can’t repel firepower of that magnitude!” said Admiral Ackbar.
Suddenly Jesus was amongst them. “Oh ye of little faith,” he said. He sent the power of the Holy Spirit down the trench and into the exhaust port, which was right below the main port. The resulting explosion was immense.
“How did Jesus-sah do that?” said Jar-Jar the Canaanite, whom all the disciples hated.
“It’s easy,” said Jesus. “I just made the core reach critical mass.”
“Critical mass?” said James son of Zebedee. “More like Christ Mass.”
“Ohhh snap!” said Han Solo. “I’m not going to forget that one James.”
Then Chewbacca growled something but nobody fucking cares about Chewbacca.
THE END
Today as I was standing in line at Starbucks,
About to order an eggnog latte.
A man in a motorized wheelchair
Came up behind me.
I realized I was wearing a pedometer
And I felt weird.