The Story of Thanksgiving

Part 4 of the Holiday Story Series

Most people think there’s some kind of association of Thanksgiving with pioneers and stuff. Those people don’t know what they’re talking about, and you should probably tell them so.

In fact, it would behoove you to go up to them at a party and say, “Carl, you don’t know what the fuck you’ve been saying about Thanksgiving. I have it on good authority that it is not associated with pioneers and stuff. Fuck you and your American romantic myths!”

And then you’ll come back and read the rest of this story because that was as far as you had gotten. And then you’ll read this: sorry, dude, but I was just kidding. It’s all true. Thanksgiving was totally about pioneers and stuff.

And then you have to go back to Carl to apologize to him, hoping he’ll take you back, hoping that the love hasn’t died.

Thing is, it’s pretty rude to go up to someone at a party and say what you said. I don’t know if you have anyone to blame but yourself, and using such language to Carl’s face? What were you thinking? Also, the sideways damnation of American mythology also seems a tad unnecessary. What, you gonna start ripping on George Washington next? Well, fuck you and your judgment against stories that people hold dear. I don’t care if they have any grounding in truth. They help form a national identity by establishing a sense of common origins.

Bottom line: either you’re for collective myths or you’re for the terrorists.

By the way, I just wiki’ed Thanksgiving, and it totally was about pioneers and stuff.