Matthew Dean

Everyone is awesome.

WHAT.

This fascinating new book is revolutionizing understanding of male sexuality.

Awesome.

SO LULZ

4 tips for being awesome:

What would be the male equivalent of a milkshake that brings all the ladies to the yard? Asking for a friend.

A fence : A story with a great moral... (By Anonymous. Awesomified by Matthew Dean) There once was a young boy with a very bad temper. The boy's father wanted to teach him a lesson, so he gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into their wooden fence. On the first day of this lesson, the little boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. He was really mad! Over the course of the next few weeks, the little boy began to control his temper, so the number of nails that were hammered into the fence dramatically decreased. It wasn't long before the little boy discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Then, the day finally came when the little boy didn't lose his temper even once, and he became so proud of himself, he couldn't wait to tell his father. Pleased, his father suggested that he now pull out one nail for each day that he could hold his temper. Several weeks went by and the day finally came when the young boy was able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. Very gently, the father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. "You have done very well, my son," he smiled, "but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same." Suddenly, a T-Rex burst through the fence. "Gah! A T-Rex!" shouted the boy's father. "How did the T-Rex burst through the fence, dad?" shouted the boy above the T-Rex's roar. "Was it because my metaphorical anger weakened the fence? Is this a lesson in how anger allows T-Rex's to attack us?" "What are you talking about?" shouted his father. "It's just a T-Rex. Anger has nothing to do with it. The fence couldn't stop it. It's just going to eat us!" "Oh," said the boy. We watched the T-Rex approaching his father, ready to eat him. Then the boy got angry, VERY angry, and walked over to the T-Rex, took his hammer, and drove a long nail into the T-Rex's leg. The T-Rex roared in pain and whipped around, limping back the way it came. It crashed through another part of the fence, growling with pain as it disappeared into the suburban jungle. The father stared at the fence, then back at the boy. He shook his head. "That thing was huge. How did you have the courage to do that?" his father asked him. The boy shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I just got angry enough." The boy looked sheepish and hung his head. "I guess I lost my temper." The boy started to walk over to the half-destroyed fence, ready to put another nail in it. But his father walked over, stopping him, and grabbing the hammer. "You know what?" his father said. "I think we've both learned our lesson. Tomorrow, let's put those hammering skills to use and build a new fence." The boy smiled. "That sounds a lot better, dad." THE END

From a colleague: "How every afternoon should be: http://maxgif.com/1cl"

Famous photos, recreated by Star Wars action figures. You're welcome.

How animals eat their food, told in animated gifs. Acted by humans.

Do epic shit.

Me: God, can I ask You a question? God: Sure Me: Promise You won't get mad God: I promise Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today? God: What do u mean? Me: Well, I woke up late God: Yes Me: My car took forever to start God: Okay Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait God: Hmmm Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call God: All right Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that? GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road. Me: (ashamed) God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Me (embarrassed):Okay God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered. Me (softly): I see God God: Oh and that foot massager-- (SUDDENLY, A T-REX BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.) God: Jesus! Me: Oh, God, what do we do? God: This... is definitely unexpected Me: U mean you didn't make this happen? God: Not that I recall Me: What should we do, God, should we distract it? God: I... guess so? Me: It's going to eat me! God: It's not going to eat you Me: Wut u mean, God, it's a T-Rex! God: Just be still. Trust me. Me: Okay, I will trust You. (THE T-REX SNORTS AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.) Me: Oh my God, you were right! God: Of course I was. A T-Rex's vision is based on movement. Also, I could tell from the blood on his jaws that he'd recently eaten, probably on a young sauropod, from the looks of things. Me: I'm sorry I doubted you, God. God: No reason to be sorry. Just know that my plan for your day is Always Better than your plan, Jeff. Me: ... My name's Aaron. God: Oh... In that case, I may have been wrong about your car and the sandwich. Also, the T-Rex was really left field. But still, I'm probably usually right, just trust me. Me: I will God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today. God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children... SHARE if you Believe in HIM

I wonder if I've been awesome enough lately.

Life can be more enjoyable if you stop over-thinking, say analysts.

Thank you, Jen Schwetje. Thank you.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way: "Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires. Mermaids do not exist." Suddenly, a T-Rex burst into the room. "Oh God, a T-Rex!" shouted the woman who we've now discovered is beautiful and wise through the power of a Facebook story. Then, something even more powerful happened. The T-Rex decided it did not care whether she was mermaid-like or whale-like. It did not judge. It simply gobbled up this wise and beautiful woman because it was hungry. We gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies. That's not really a very scientific explanation, but the point is that T-Rex doesn't care what the reason is that you have some fat on you. T-Rex loves you just the way you are. Although, if you have more fat on you, it's probable that T-Rex will be satisfied for a slightly longer period of time. Like 5-10 minutes or so.

On those Facebook inspirational quotes and where they come from...

Here, let me make your day better.

You have wanted this without knowing it.

Love it.

Awwwww YEEEEAAAAAH

Last night, I had a dream that aliens invaded the Earth and enslaved humankind. The aliens meant well, of course. They considered themselves compassionate and enlightened, good mentors and teachers, and we humans were all better off really. Of course... there were a FEW aliens who held to the "old ways" and subjected their humans to wretched conditions and used them for food and entertainment. The "nice" aliens were like, "Look, we're not responsible for what a few of our kind do." But the humans knew better, because the aliens had all arrived on the Earth together, and all were equally responsible. (True story, brah.)