Comedy,  Writing

The Congressman

The Congressman groaned, and slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the bright lights of the room.
“What… what in the — ”

“Ah, Congressman, you’re awake!” A man in a white coat suddenly appeared next to him.

“Where… where am I?” The Congressman rubbed his forehead.

“Saint Rita of Cascia Hospital. Just outside Washington, D.C.”

“I don’t… How did I get here?”

“We transported you here from Dr. Edwards’ office. Do you remember being there this afternoon?”

“Yes. For knee pain.” He looked around at the sparse, round hospital room. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing unexpected. The shot that Dr. Edwards gave you that he said was for your knee pain was actually a sedative. I’m here to orient you to your new situation. You see, my name is Doctor — ”

“A sedative? What for?”

“Let’s take this one step at a time. You may find your current situation alarming at first, but I assure you we are going to take wonderful care of you over the next year.”

“My current situation? Doctor, what is this? What time is it? I’m should be on the Hill right now. I have meetings today.”

“We’ve cancelled your meetings. Let me properly introduce myself — ”

“Cancelled them?” The Congressman tried to sit up, and that’s when he realized that something was wrong. He looked down. “What — why am I wrapped in these bandages? What happened to me? I feel like I’m covered in balloons!”

The doctor motioned with his hands for the senator to calm down, and spoke in gentle tones. “Some of that will be the swelling, which will go down. There’s really nothing to be concerned about. You’re actually in great health for your age, which is partly why you were selected. Of course, the other reason you were selected is your unique DNA — ”

“Selected? Selected for what?”

“For the Veteran Restoration Program, a pilot program approved by the House Appropriations Committee.”

“I don’t…Wait a minute…”

“Of the tetragametic chimeras that were candidates for this stage, our panel— which I might add is made up of some of the most educated men in the country — thought you’d be a great selection for the program, given your strong support of our veterans.”

The Congressman touched the bandages wrapping his chest and abdomen, feeling queasy as the sensation of displaced liquid moved across his chest. The doctor was right. He was increasingly alarmed.

“Doctor, what is this? Wasn’t the Veteran Restoration Program about organ donation for veterans?”

The doctor’s face lit up. “Not donation! Generation! We are growing new organs. We started with growing some of the internal organs: kidneys, livers, things like that. But now we have an opportunity. To give our veterans back one of the most vital organs that was taken from them in battle. To restore them to the men they were.”

Blood drained from the Congressman’s face. “Doctor,” he said weakly. “What have you done to me? What’s under these bandages?”

“Genitalia, of course. Male genitalia, to be precise. You, Congressman, have the honor of being the first person to grow fifteen sets of male genitalia on your body!”

The Congressman’s eyes widened and he looked down at the bandages. “I’m… I’m covered in penises?”

“And testes!” said the doctor. “Well, that’s oversimplifying. Each genitalia are surrounded in an incubating liquid within an individual synthetic pouch, and supplied with blood and nutrients from your body. The pouches are external to keep the genitalia at the proper temperature. You’ll want to avoid strenuous exercise so that you don’t elevate your external body heat too much.”

The doctor smiled and continued: “It really is an exciting program. You are going to give fourteen veterans their manhood back. Here’s the really amazing thing: the genitalia is grown from their DNA, so the sperm produced by the testes, when fully grown, will be fully functional. These men will be able to have children, if they so choose!”

The Congressman stared. “I’m covered in penises.”

“In short, yes. And testes, too. Don’t forget the testes. They’re very important.”


“Why what?”

“WHY AM I COVERED IN PENISES?!” the Congressman roared.

The doctor took a step back, surprised. “It’s the Veteran Restoration Program. As I said, this is the — ”

“I don’t give a damn about the program! What I want to know is what I’m doing here. I never volunteered for this. I didn’t consent for goddamn penises and testes to be attached to the outside of my body.”

“Oh. Oh, well I’m afraid that’s somewhat irrelevant.”


“Please stop shouting, Congressman, and let me explain. Your body is very important. I don’t know if you were aware of this, but you are a tetragametic chimera, which for one, means you essentially have two sets of DNA, but it also means your body is compatible with two haplotypes. And that makes it less likely that your body will attack the foreign genitalia attached to your blood supply.”

“I don’t care how important my body is, or whatever the hell a tetragametic whatever means. I didn’t sign up for this.”

“Well… you did support this program, and the legislation before it that made this possible.”

“What legislation?”

“Your party voted for an emergency wartime bill, and within that bill, your party inserted an unrelated clause that removed consent for persons over the use of their body when that body’s use was vital to the life of another.”

“The use of the — are you talking about the — that had nothing to do with this! That legislation wasn’t about men’s penises!”

“No, it wasn’t. But the Veteran Restoration Act expanded the definition of both whose body could be used without consent, and also expanded whose life was considered vital.” The doctor frowned. “I’m somewhat surprised you weren’t aware of this. You voted in support of these bills.”

“Well, I can tell you that I would not have willingly voted for a bill that could have ended up with dicks stapled to me.”

“Could we watch the language, Congressman? This is a Catholic hospital.”

“No, I won’t. Where’s my goddamn phone? I’m calling the police.”

“You can do that. But, as I’ve said, we’ve done everything according to the law. We’re really wasting our time, Congressman. We need to go over proper care of your extra genitalia.”

“Even if…Even if it’s true that this is legal, which I highly doubt, we don’t need to go over care of anything, because the first thing I’m going do do is get a sane doctor to remove these penises and tested and whatever the hell else you’ve attached to me.”

“That wouldn’t be a good idea, Congressman.”

“And why not?”

“Well, besides the fact that you would be charged with willful destruction of another man’s genitalia; more importantly, you would be charged with murder.”

“Murder?? Of what? Of whom?”

“Of the unborn children. You’re now carrying the potential for dozens of human lives. You may not remember the Supreme Court case that overturned — ”

“What does potential have to do with murder?? There aren’t any babies, these are — God, this is so gross — these are just organs.”

“Not just any organs, Congressman. These are reproductive organs, which are already producing small amounts of sperm.”

“Who cares? It’s just sperm. Those are just cells. They don’t do anything yet.”

“That may be your belief, Congressman. But we people of faith believe that life begins at spermatogenesis.”

“But that’s insane.”

“I can assure you that a human life is not insane, nor is valuing it. A human life must be protected at all costs.”

“But men rid themselves of sperm all the time.”

“If we had our way, they wouldn’t. But, regardless, this choice isn’t yours to make. These genitalia belong to our brave men in uniform, who have sacrificed much for this country. All you’re being asked for is to lend your body for nine months until the genitalia mature. I don’t understand why you’re being so selfish.”

“Selfish? Because I don’t want someone else’s dick growing on my chest?”

“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you supported the laws that made this possible. You put yourself into this situation.”

“I had no idea this would happen! I didn’t think this would happen to — GAH!!” The Congressman shrieked and looked down at his bandages.

The doctor leaned forward, concerned. “What? What is it?”

“One of them moved!”

“Oh, right. Yes, that will happen. As they mature, the penises will go through regular erections. It’s a natural response by the organs to keep them healthy. You’ll probably experience that every 90 minutes or so. I’m sorry, I really meant to talk about that initially, but we’ve gotten quite sidetracked. We should cover more of the basics.”

The Congressman began crying. “This isn’t fair. This is my body! Why are you doing this to me?”

The doctor patted the Congressman on the head. “No one is doing this to you!” he said gently. “You’ve been given a great gift, and all we want to do is help you to honor that gift. What you’re experiencing emotionally is some of the hormonal effects of this procedure. But look on the bright side!”

“The bright side?” he sniffed. “What bright side?”

“Well, you have fifteen sets of genitalia, but as I said, fourteen are for our veterans. The last set is for you! A brand new set of penis and testes! Made from your own cells, and slightly larger than the one you have now!”

“What? I don’t want another one! I don’t care if it’s larger! I mean… well, that’s great, but it’s not what I want!”

The doctor looked concerned. “Oh… Well…”

“Well what?”

“We did need to harvest some of your tissues for this procedure and — ”

The Congressman’s eyes went wide. “And…and what…?”

“Your current penis won’t really be ‘functional’ in the traditional sense after this procedure. You’ll have a bit of scarring to your midsection, along with a few other changes to your body which we should really talk about.”

The Congressman was openly weeping now, speaking between sobs. “This…. isn’t… fair!”

The doctor clasped the Congressman’s hand between both of his. “Don’t worry. You’re in good hands. We’re going to help you through this.”

He added: “And look, if it turns out after all of this, that you really don’t want a new penis and testes, you can always give it up for adoption.”

“It’s your choice.”

I'm a product designer, author, humorist, and web developer. You can find me on Twitter.