Many people believe that the origins of Valentine’s Day are a little hazy. There were several martyrs named Valentine, who were later declared to be saints. But the real story of Valentine’s Day has a different origin. An alien origin.
It all started in the days of the reign of the Evil Lord Xenu. Xenu was busy incarcerating other alien species, which he eventually planed to send to earth on ships that looked like DC-8s (except with rocket engines).
Xenu had many times tried to capture an alien called Gryfflx, thought to be the only surviving member of the two-hearted alien race, the Chocplaxians. Gryfflx deceived Xenu by removing one of his hearts and having it delivered to Xenu.
“Wa ha ha ha!” Xenu laughed. “Finally the Chocplaxians are no more!”
Gryfflx was no longer being pursued, but he was not well with only one heart. He flew and flew in his Chocplaxian cruiser, trying to find an organ cloning facility that would grant him a new second heart, but he found none.
He landed on the ice system of Hoth. While checking for Xenu’s probe droids, he came across a wounded girl, and he was astonished to see that she was Chocplaxian.
“Lady!” he said. “It is I, a fellow Chocplaxian! Can I assist you?”
“I have been injured by a snow beast,” said the girl. “He irreparably damaged my first heart before I was able to fight him off with my light sword.”
“How ironic!” said Gryfflx. “I have removed my second heart, and only my first heart remains.”
The girl looked at Gryfflx and spoke in Chocplaxian: Grex morph habble dabble valentinex? (“Will you be my heart sharer?”)
So the two Chocplaxians merged, first by secreting a substance that is not that unlike what we would call Chocolate, which bonded them in particularly unappealing fashion (by human standards). And they shared each other’s hearts forever and ever.
…Until Lord Xenu found them and killed both of them.