Mary, a virgin, was living in Galilee of Nazareth and was engaged to be married to Joseph, a Jewish carpenter. While Mary was still engaged to Joseph, she miraculously became pregnant, and eventually told Joseph. Joseph reminded her that under Jewish law, he not only had the right to divorce Mary, but that she could be put to death by stoning. “Um,” said Mary, “in that case, this child is the son of God. An angel told me.”
Joseph relaxed a bit, slightly loosening the grip on the rock in his hand. He asked his 14-year-old wife if she were indeed still a virgin, and Mary very quickly said yes.
A miracle had happened. Mary had conceived a son by the power of the Holy Spirit. She would carry and give birth to this child and she would name him Jesus. It was a fine name and coincidentally happened to be the name of the boy who delivered goat’s milk every Tuesday.
At that time, Caesar Augustus decreed that a census be taken, and every person in the entire Roman world had to go to his own town to register. Every fucking person. I mean, do you know how big the Roman empire was back then? Jesus Christ.
So Joseph, being of the line of David, was required to go to Bethlehem to register with Mary. There was no room at the inn so Mary gave birth to Jesus in a stable. Much like Barack Obama.
After Jesus’ birth, Sarumon was king of Judea. At this time, wise men from the east saw a star, and they came in search, knowing the star signified the birth of the king of the Jews. The wise men came to the Jewish rulers in Jerusalem and asked where the Christ was to be born. The rulers explained, “In Bethlehem in Judea,” referring to the words of Micah the prophet. Sarumon met with one of the wise men, named Gandalf the Grey. Sarumon told Gandalf that he too wanted to go and worship the babe. But secretly Sarumon was plotting to rule Bethlehem.
So the wise men continued to follow the star in search of the new born king and found Jesus with his mother in Bethlehem. They bowed and worshipped him, offering treasures of gold, incense and myrrh. One of the wise men, a man named Obi Wan Kenobi, knelt in front of Jesus, and offered him a small metal object, shaped almost like a candle stick.
“What is it?” asked the baby Jesus.
“It’s your father’s light saber,” said the wise man.
When Jesus turned to Joseph, Obi Wan explained that it wasn’t him but another, a man named Anakin. Anakin Christ. (Upon hearing this, Joseph casually picked up a rock.)
When the wise men left, Jesus left with them, to go to the village of Mos Eisley, and preach the good news.
Obi Wan was the first of Jesus’ disciples, and as they moved through the villages, Jesus called more disciples to him. First came a merchant named Han Solo, who Jesus called Peter. And Chewbacca, the brother of Peter, whom no one really called Peter. Next came R2-D2, C3PO, Judas Iscariot, James son of Zebedee, and Billy Dee Williams. Also Admiral Ackbar, whom Jesus called a “fisher of men.” Mostly because Admiral Ackbar was a fish who ate men.
One day, Jesus said, “Today I must meet my father in heaven.” And Jesus began to walk there. Totally just started walking to heaven and shit.
Obi Wan Kenobi, however, did not like the looks of heaven. “That’s not heaven,” he said. “That’s a space station.”
“It’s too big to be a space station,” said Han Solo, whom nobody called Peter. “It must be heaven.”
“Turn Jesus around,” said Obi Wan.
“You know I think you may be right,” said Han Solo, but it was too late. The dark side of the Holy Spirit had trapped them.
Suddenly, what was indeed not heaven shot out and blew up Judas Iscariot. Some weird joweled alien friend of Billy Dee gasped, and Billy Dee exclaimed, “That shot came from non-heaven. That thing’s operational!” He pressed his comlink. “Home One, this is Gold Leader.”
In the Rebel Star Cruiser, Admiral Ackbar, the fisher of men, stood amid the confusion on the bridge. He spoke into the comlink. “We saw it. All craft prepare to retreat!”
“You won’t get another chance at this, Admiral,” said Billy Dee Williams, the one Jesus loved.
“We have no choice, General. Our cruisers can’t repel firepower of that magnitude!” said Admiral Ackbar.
Suddenly Jesus was amongst them. “Oh ye of little faith,” he said. He sent the power of the Holy Spirit down the trench and into the exhaust port, which was right below the main port. The resulting explosion was immense.
“How did Jesus-sah do that?” said Jar-Jar the Canaanite, whom all the disciples hated.
“It’s easy,” said Jesus. “I just made the core reach critical mass.”
“Critical mass?” said James son of Zebedee. “More like Christ Mass.”
“Ohhh snap!” said Han Solo. “I’m not going to forget that one James.”
Then Chewbacca growled something but nobody fucking cares about Chewbacca.